Friend grows tired of accommodating Mary after years of last-minute cancellations leave her wasting time, money, and effort: ‘This has happened plenty of times before’

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Cata Holmes • Writer
Jun 28, 2026 3:15 PM EDT

How many last-minute cancellations can a friendship survive before resentment starts to take over?

This story resonated with me in ways I cannot even explain. Not because I'm standing with the OP, but the complete opposite. I'm actually like the friend, Mary. I tend to cancel plans pretty often whenever I don't feel like assisting, and I never feel bad about it. My friends had complained in the past, but never seriously. So, when I encountered this story, I felt shocked because maybe my friends are actually angry at my attitude. I mean, of course, I apologize, and I never do it if I know it's a special day, or a birthday, or something like that. But, if I have a casual coffee date with a friend, and if that day my social battery is running low, I most likely won't show up. And, usually, my friends understand. Or maybe that's what I think.

Maybe that's why this story made me pause for a second. From my perspective, cancelling plans has always felt harmless because life happens, moods change, and sometimes staying home feels better than forcing yourself to be social. But reading the OP's side of things reminded me that there is often a lot happening behind the scenes that the person cancelling never sees. Someone may have rearranged their schedule, turned down other invitations, bought groceries, prepared food, cleaned their home, or simply spent the week looking forward to spending time together.

Friendships have to be maintained, like any other type of relationship. It requires time, love and affection for the bond to last years, and that's something I have never really thought about. I'm usually pretty impulsive, and if I don't want to get out of my house, I'll most likely prioritize that. But, honestly, I'm sure I'm wrong, and I should probably hang out with my friends if I already agreed to. What's your opinion on the matter?

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  • Woman enjoying a quiet moment outdoors during a peaceful autumn afternoon.
    via Unsplash+ (via Norbert Buduczki)

    A representation of a woman enjoying a quiet moment outdoors during a peaceful autumn afternoon.

     

  • I really need your opinion here, guys, and I'll try to keep it brief:
    via Meretneith
  • We're a friend group of three women, all in our mid-thirties and we've known each other since high school. No kids and we all work full-time. We've always taken turns hosting our meetings with the host cooking for everyone when we meet at someone's home. Sometimes our partners come, too, sometimes they don't.
    via Meretneith
  • In the past year or two, however, one friend - let's call her Mary - has started to regularly cancel plans at the last minute (usually just a few hours before we were supposed to meet).
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  • Not every now and then, but at least every second meeting, even the ones she proposed, ends with her telling us she won't come a few hours before, usually saying she isn't feeling well or her partner isn't feeling well or she has another short-notice appointment. She also stopped offering to host, which we understood at first, because she went through a breakup and moved and we didn't want to stress her.
    via Meretneith
  • Today, Mary and her partner cancelled another meeting that would have taken place at my apartment, three hours before. We had already moved it by a week (both me and my other friend had to reschedule things for that) because she told us a day before that she had to go to another friends' birthday that day.
    via Meretneith
  • Ihave obviously already bought food and drinks, spent time cooking and baking (while accomodating Mary's dietary restrictions), preparing etc. and am now sitting on food and drinks for four people with only me and the other friend actually coming. And as I said this has happened plenty of times before.
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  • And to be honest - I'm annoyed. People get sick and have to cancel sometimes, it happens, but this just looks like her being flaky to me.
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  • WIBTAH if I propose that we order takeout and everyone pays for their own stuff from now on? And if I stop actually planning for Mary to show up? Our other friend is also annoyed but thinks Mary might really be sick every time (I doubt that) and that it would be cruel to tell her off or to stop preparing for her to actually show up.
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  • To my surprise, comments vary a lot in this story. Some of them stand with Mary, actually, and think she cancelled with a respectful amount of time. On the other hand, people suggest they should talk it out, and, to be honest, that's pretty good advice.

  • A representation of a thoughtful woman relaxing in a scenic outdoor setting.
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    A representation of a thoughtful woman relaxing in a scenic outdoor setting.

     

  • Jonathan-Welford NTA-stop arranging meet ups with her. Just cultivate the friendship with the one that turns up. If your pal wants to host, then turn up.
    via Meretneith
  • Safe Extension_4044 Did this happen at the time she got a new partner? I've done this is the past when I had a violent partner and tried to hide what was going on. If she's usually not like this and this is a new thing that has been happening recently, you might want to double check that things are okay at home
    via Meretneith
  • cristynak9 ΝΤΑ She's being ride and disrespectful of your time and effort. Do as you said in the post and if she complains, tough luck, explain her the reason being it. If she's anything other than truly apologetic, I would stop inviting her all together whenever it's your turn. Edit: autocorrect
    via Meretneith
  • cassowary32 NTA. If you were the one hosting, how is she the one canceling? Have the event, and if she shows, great. Just start assuming she's going to flake and decide if it's worth it having her as a maybe all the time.
    via Meretneith
  • Nova-Snorlaxx You've been friends for how long? TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. could be a number of things going on. People need to talk about sh not just cut people off because they're having a human moment.
    via Meretneith
  • Extension Hospital75 She's definitely not being a great friend, but for her behaviour to change (you say she hasn't always been like this) there may be some real problems happening either with her physical or mental health or at home, I'm not saying you should put up with being flaked on indefinitely but perhaps approach it with kindness and tell her you're worried as it's happening so often and you want to make sure she's ok? That gives her the chance to talk to you guys about whatever it is an
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  • teresajs ΝΤΑ Stop inviting Mary. Your other friend is welcome to invite Mary to anything she plans, but if you're planning something, don't include Mary.
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  • A representation of a woman preparing a homemade meal in a bright, modern kitchen.
    via Unsplash+ (via Jason Briscoe)

    A representation of a woman preparing a homemade meal in a bright, modern kitchen.

     

  • Catching-Up-Today NTA Ordering take out is reasonable.
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  • au5000 Is something happening in Mary's life? I was concerned reading your description as it made me wonder if she was ok. Perhaps speak with her privately- without partner in earshot- and check that she is ok.
    via Meretneith
  • ratchetdiscounicorn NTA. I stopped making plans with my best friend/roomie because of this sh.
    via Meretneith
  • Amareldys I am wondering what her relationship is like... could her partner be isolating her?
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  • RJack151 NTA. I would start planning as if Mary is no longer part of the group. Make your plans around what the rest of you want and stop accommodating her. Let her find out when she finally shows up that none of you are putting your lives on hold for her.
    via Meretneith

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